Fitting vs Carving - a slightly Punfilled title for Thanksgiving

I'm not sure where I fit. In a way that's new to me, I suppose. I'm caught in a few webs of things, where I feel myself being pulled in various directions and having full frontal assaults and people coming at me from behind, a tempest in the wings, and a defunct velvet curtain. The stage is set, I'm sailing without my lines, but the attacks keep coming and I'm ready to face them head on. But how will 'I' be at the end of this?

One should probably lay off the introspection at such a time. One should probably push through and just do things. My impulse is to think anyway, so going towards the verb side of life is best.

This year the holidays are hitting be differently. I am not sure why. I have been alone on holidays before, though I'm going to eat with people in a bit which is nice and gave me an activity for the day: cooking things! I have worked over breaks before, to lots of hours. Perhaps I always get depressed on holidays, but this year feels - well, it feels. Maybe having attachements has made me more susceptible to emotions of myself and others. The people sitting alone this break... it's sad. But in another sense, it is not. I am my own person, a straggler's dinner is awesome because you get to have it with your friends, being on your own is a great thing because you get to work on yourself and do what you want to do. But, where does that fit into the world? Perhaps I'm working through romantic, heteronormative issues right now - or the social/individual dichotomy I sometimes set up for myself.

Where does fighting stop? Do I ever want it to? These questions sound more desperate than they really are - everyone (hopefully) should think of these from time to time. But, then again, I see people who are lost so often. Or I'm being judgmental - as bad on them as I am on myself.


In other words, the holidays are a great time to relax, rest, and question every assumption about life you ever had.

On the benefits of spacing out - wait, what?

Let's play with the ideas of play, spacing out, camp sensibility, and French music. Or rather, the real question is what is going on in Poulenc's music? I may have started upon an epic quest to understand French music, Les Six, and Satie. This, oddly enough, comes after performing Poulenc's Sonata for Clarinet for my last recital, where I was too caught up in notes to really make associations and insights into what may be going on in the sounds. But, there's a nagging dotted quarter two sixteenth note motif that keeps happening in all of the Sonatas (the woodwind ones that were not finished). The two sixteenth notes are the key, methinks, and my guess is that it has something to do with ornamentation. I mean, it is ornamentation - it emphasizes the octave leap in the instrument. (Note to self, investigate tonal import of these notes. And my investigate, I mean ask a theory friend to look over it, and then learn appropriate tools to do analysis on my own).

The ornamental, the artifice, the sound of music - things I've always been interested in, based on my first readings into music being about orchestration and timbre. None of this huge metaphysical German stuff (my philosophy education was German to the extent that I thought of Nietzsche and Schopenhauer being just more recent Greeks). But in terms of music, I've was never into the form, meaning, or metaphysical import that could happen. Emotion and music, however, was my next big interest, one that buckled under the weight of research and contradictions. Basically, I was able to unravel a lot of preconceived notions about expressionism in music. Yay, good for me and my own ability to function!

Back to Poulenc. This semester, one of my courses is about performance for its own sake, or rather, as an experience that is rarely looked into on its own terms. The idea of 'playing' music is one we've focused on, because musicians often don't question the time and effort put into playing music until way down the line. Which, for me is true - it was just some challenge to work on and it stuck. Then I'd keep practicing, keep working, and then ended up in a performance program asking these questions in a course. I thought about it before, but certainly not when I was younger. Often the questions are moral - why do this when I can do something else? It takes a lot of time and performing itself was something I wasn't fond of for a long time (only until the past 4 years - solo or chamber performance, I mean).

See, Poulenc did not enter that thought - except as a rallying point to come back from a brief autobiographical note. But, as my computer fills with more and more French music of Satie and Poulenc, I'm tempted to try an experiment of just listening to this style of music for a few days and see what happens. But that goes against some of the ideas of French music of this time. It's salon music, furniture music, something else - not something to be worshipped. So its effect can come in different ways - through its embracing of the simplest of artifice (that it is just sound, after all) music gets to play around and be music. Or, it is just plain drab as music, but in performing gets ignition and light as a moment.

In any case, I've rambled far more than I need to here. Poulenc, artifice, camp, and the combinations thereof will bubble in my brain for a bit. In the meantime, I have reading to do as well as understand how performance fits into all of this. In the meantime, my practicing of the Sonata (something I enjoy coming back to from time to time) will change and I'm hoping to start working on the Sextet for piano and winds soon, if we think we can do it.

Give in is not the same as Give up

Is there a term for the kind of friendship that has, underneath it all, sexual tension or attraction that just can't or isn't available to be acted upon (such as long distance)?

Basically, I like to be really aware of when I share erotic bonds with people. They have a different energy and, since I don't get a lot of action, these bonds are the extent of my erotic life.

And, if that was too much for you, well you shouldn't have read past the vague and weird title that doesn't really have anything to do with the subject.

And... I'm listening to En Saga by Sibelius. You should check it out and imagine me playing the clarinet solo at the end epictasticnessly.

A Note on Glee

Glee is preprocessing processed culture.

Now, on top of listening to Lady Gaga - you could listen to a processed, even more comfortable version with a bunch of teenagers doing karaoke wearing copy costumes from the videos. Not only is nothing original at all, it's sooooooo over processed that it's just like an IV seeping into your veins giving you the pleasure of vicodin- as in you don't need to wake up.

Gah... I hope I get to teach a summer course on Glee and TV Musical. But, in the same instance, it may be intensely painful. Because I can't watch a full episode without feeling pain. Or getting angry. Or making horrible comments towards the show.

Culture industry? Glee is the vomit of the culture industry... but put in a package and sold.

Oh My God, You're Married - Now What?

The character Robert in Stephen Sondheim's 'Company' has been a constant force in my head these past few months. The musical is about many things, as good art tends to be, but the foundation is pretty basic. Robert is a friend to 5 married couples, each with their own weird quirks and idiosyncrasies. His relationships never go further than than, really, even though he is involved with three women during the course of the show. He never attaches to anyone, but instead is a 'free spirit' who is conflicted over his status in life. There are a couple of interpretations of this plot, if it can be a plot considering it is a concept musical. Each focuses on Robert - who is assumed to be the main character. Which, by golly, he is - and this entire musical may take place in his mind for all we know.

For a long time I drew connections between Robert and myself. Especially in the climate of my friends the past few years - I've felt 'behind' in terms of relationships. It feels like everyone is getting married or into committed relationships and I have had one 6 month thing that was fun but left me really scarred. I've been invited to 5 weddings this year, a record breaking amount, and I am actually in one of them. What's that about?

I'm all about friends being happy. I'm all about everyone achieving happiness - its a noble goal and one that I hope to thwart with art from time to time, but only to enrich the happiness present. Life is not bliss, but it should aspire to be so.

But after they get married - what happens? They move, they change, they do things differently. They grow up, the stop needing you, they have other obligations with married friends. Hell, when people get into relationships this all starts up - but a wedding cements it into institution and culture.

">a wedding, what's a wedding, it's a prehistoric ritual
where everybody promises fidelity forever, which is
maybe the most horrifying word I ever heard of" - Company, "Not Getting Married Today"

Which word is the most horrifying word, if any? For the audience, it is possibly assumed to be 'forever' as in a cement link between husband and wife. The character is afraid to get married. But then again, it may be the fidelity - as one of the other couples does not value that aspect of marriage and get a divorce to see other people and remain together. Fidelity or Forever - are they scary words to me? Forever is an unsettling concept in the face of death (a hidden spectre in Company). Fidelity to one person - emotionally - seems to be a great thing considering that I'm not feeling that towards any one - so finding just one seems like a feat upon itself. But it does not mean that you cannot love more - that others cannot offer you anything - as long as it is consenting and honest.

But I digress - my thoughts are meandering a lot this evening. What is the meaning of Company?

Sorting through dictionary definitions, I think it is safe to say that the musical is not dealing with issues of corporations or military companies, per se, or at least not with those specific instances of the more encompassing concepts of company. Company means being with someone. When I visit you, I am company. It is also a troupe of performers, especially theater. So, Company is quite a fitting title for a group of actors putting on a show... or couples having a friend over... or couples putting on a show... or the company putting on a show for the couples... See how this all works?

The musical defines company in three songs. The opener defines Robert as company because he visits the couples and families (children are mentioned but never shown). "Love is Company!" is exclaimed at the end - that love is a form of keeping with someone. The next two instances are fairly innocuous, unless you are trying to define 'company' from Company. The next is in the large-scale dance number where, after the other characters have had their say about how great Robert is, he sings "One's impossible, two is dreary, / Three is company, safe and cheery." Reading into this, he's reaffirmed by being company and apparently needs it to stay out of a depression. He's not facing someone - he's unsatisfied. Something is amiss. This is even more problematic when, later in the number, the characters dance together (or play duets, according to different productions) and Robert is left without a partner. Solemn and shocked, in one version I've seen on YouTube, he stands still for the rest of the song completely unaware that he isn't adding the last 'by side' to the phrase 'side by side' - meaning, the company has gone down to two.

In the last mention, Robert specifically asks for company - that marriage is just about keeping company and staying away from oneself, in a certain instance. Okay, I read too much into that - or rather, I don't have the energy to find appropriate evidence for this. I'm not writing a paper, I'm musing!

Do I want company? Do I have it already? And when I think about it, am I avoiding something?

These questions are great... not answered just yet. But also, I've been thinking that maybe I'm not quite Robert. I'm not quite on the Company list because I'm out there and independent. I spend a lot of time alone - perhaps thinking of other people - but alone nonetheless. And its fine and getting finer by the day. I can amuse myself, please myself, educate myself. But it's not the best - alas Plato even agrees with me.

And with a nod to Plato, I will sleep - hopefully my chariot will go up another notches and the spirited horse will not make me veer too far. But then again, no path untravelled is known.

Playing Music - Just Do

So far, this semester's more 'relaxed' schedule has turned into this:

Philosophy of Performance Seminar

Musicology Methodologies Seminar

Orchestra

Contemporary Ensemble

Clarinet Lessons

Chamber Trio

Woodwind Quintet

on top of:

Writing my Philosophy Thesis

Working on my second Recital

Playing for someone else's Dissertation Piece

Working at the Card Store

Working on Conferences and Papers for that

So, this semester is going to be fun. My clarinet professor's words should echo in my head "Just do" Luckily, I've established this space as a place that I will stop and reflect, but in an orderly fashion that won't trespass on my daily, busy life. Creating boundaries and lines that cannot be crossed - this is how this semester and life from now on will gain some structure and I will be able to do many awesome things. Plus, I'm flexible - so once the system is destroyed, I can just improv a new one.

Bad Romance - Eh?

All summer Lady Gaga's Bad Romance has been itching in my brain. I get into it. I dance. I sing along to one of the many choruses. I appreciate it. But then I stop listening to it, it fades, and I don't have a huge desire to go after it... but there is an itch. A pause when I listen.

I know what it is too. When I listen to song lyrics, I appropriate the lyrics I hear as my own version of the song. (I hear melody more than lyrics, which is why I am not a good person to go ask what the lyrics to a song are). The hesitation to join in the song is that I feel too closely to the desperation that the subject of the song is singing about. She wants a bad romance, because it is romance - she'll take a bad one over nothing at all. And by the end, she's calling out over the normal chorus in a more soulful voice (full chest voice?).

Sometimes, saying what you want is the most difficult thing to do. It reveals something about you. It reveals a lack, because if you want it that means you do not necessarily have the object or experience readily available to you. It also tells people where your thoughts are - that when you sit and stare into space this 'want' could be the thing on your mind. Or it could be something completely different, but we wouldn't know looking at you. It it not necessarily an obsession, however, as wants are impulse and quick to fade as well. I could really want a cookie - but get one bite into a delicious oatmeal no-bake and feel satisfied and done with my action.

The feeling of relishing something you do not have is clear and precise. There's you, or I in this case, and the thing. There's the pull between. And there's the barrier - namely reality - that blocks all options and cannot be transgressed. I don't do well with barriers unless I don't see them. But as soon as they are there, as soon as they appear in the slightest, all is lost.

Should I learn to cross barriers? Or should I learn to disbelieve in them?

I do not know why I have so much love to give yet I just give more. I'm a free-standing structure. How glad that is, how happy it makes me, and how easy it is to move my foundation - for the roots are only skin deep and appearances are texture based.

"I want your love, I want your revenge

I want your love, I don't wanna be friends"

And I'm done. Reflection is a tool to understand and categorize so that life does not sneak up on you while you're trying to live it. I'm going to try just doing for a bit. It feels good. And god knows that being a verb is much better than a noun.