Book of Mormon to Believe

Not gonna lie - the musical Book of Mormon has been on my mind since the weekend of the Tony's in June. I downloaded the album for 99 cents, so that's a deal right there. I listened to it once and thought it was fun, cute, and unremarkable. Upon a second listening, I started hearing some fun things and references and - for someone who is studying the history of musical theater - I was amused by the nods to other musicals.

After watching an interview with the creators, it hit me that BoM is about America. Mormonism as an American religion - based in America, made by Americans, and representing the American Dream right with the Western utopia. Not only that, but it has the unadultered optimism that occurs within the purest incantations of the American Dream and the Promise of Opportunity. (I feel like all of these should be capitalized because they are archetypes - just see F. Scott Fitzgerald for the plus and minus of this whole process).

The story is simple. Two Mormons are sent to Uganda on their mission. One is arrogant, leads a near perfect Mormon life, and knows it. The other is an outcast, fat geek that has a habit of making things up. It's a buddy story - overshadowing any sort of romantic triangle. And, for as much as a crap-ton of people have wet themselves over the fact that the 'buddy motif' is a queer relationality. It's not. I just read some article about Elphaba and Glinda having a queer relationship in Wicked. Going against heteronormativity is not automatically queer. Besides, the buddy motif is as old as they come.

What gets me about BoM is how transparent they are and sincere (I think). By having a fundamentalist religion be the center of the musical, the show is able to ground itself for the terrible leaps that it takes into spooky mormon hell dreams, fucking frogs, or the destitution of Uganda. The fundamentalism, in today's postmodern world, is an anchor to a grounding that is unbelievable. We, as in an intelligencia acquainted with epistemology, has come to terms (hopefully) to a non-foundational system of knowledge that must acknowledge a cultural, contextual, and complex web of facts that must constantly defend itself against the threat of total relativism.

With this pillar of fundamentalism as a huge locus of camp, displayed so well with Joseph Smith American Moses, we have a reinforcement of the Mormon faith in that it is worthy enough to made fun of. And with the self-reflexive Musical moments (calling upon Sound of Music, Wicked, and Music Man among others), we have a confession of pure style in the telling. These songs are showing that they are part of a formula and that they are artifice. The heart comes from the fact that, thusfar, the music has stayed at arm's length. It is honest that it wants to 'change your life' yet through a cartoonish parody of a fundamentalist religion that a small amount of the population subscribes to.

Why?

The song "I Believe" might have an answer. Faith and belief, two key terms to religion and epistemology, are the major themes in the musical. How does one believe and when should one take a story on faith? The coup of the musical is that the Ugandan's know this lesson already - perhaps a troubling bit of primitivism or a direct rebuttle of primitivism (as in the myths aren't real to non-Western cultures, but in fact recognized as 'real' myths and as 'unreal' in terms of history, fact, or knowledge). But belief is the only way to jump through the gap that epistemology gives us. It's the thing that lets words have meaning - and it's the thing that we all do but don't want to give credit to. (Lots of ending with a preposition, I know).

"America's already found the cure for AIDS but they're saving it for a latter day" - in the last number, where utopia is at its height in accepting the bad of today for the hope of tomorrow, the lyrics throw one barb out that sticks or should stick to everyone. This line calls out the hypocrisy of American healthcare and its worldwide concerns. AIDS activists have been saying it for awhile, but the epidemic of signification has kept AIDS research back - because people are hung up on images and stereotypes, not the situations of individuals. So, in this utopian group-sing, we have probably the most direct critique of politics that we can come by: that American isn't doing enough or, rather, American is doing enough but it fails to actually implement its power and opportunity.

The American Dream is still there, it's just not being actualized anymore. By the same logic that is in the American Dream - that tomorrow will bring a new future. Tomorrow never comes, the utopian is never realized, and satisfaction is with the ability to have a utopia rather than its actualization or implementation. Yet, the barb against America about AIDS brings some reality to this.

These are just some random thoughts. I obviously need to think more about this, not be so tired when writing, and also to clarify my prose before going too public with this. Sadly, My motivation is at an all time low and it took me a good hour and half a write down this amount. But, I'm writing and making something - perhaps I pull myself out of this awful depression.

If I can learn to believe.

Perks of Being a Wallflower

"It's kind of like when you look at yourself in the mirror and you say your name. And it gets to a point where none of it seems real. Well, sometimes, I can do that, but I don't need an hour in front of a mirror. It just happens very fast, and things start to slip away. And I just open my eyes, and I see nothing. And then I start to breathe really hard trying to see something, but I can't. It doesn't happen all the time, but when it does, it scares me."

I decided, perhaps my better judgment, to read this book two days ago. I read until I got a headache and cried, slept, and woke up and finished it. It's such a sad book. I also identify with it a lot. Charlie is the ultimate outsider - his position of reflection is one I take many times throughout my life. And when I do go active, it always hurts.

It's also probably one of the best representations of the kind of depression I get. Though I've never blacked out from depression, Iwill lose all color in the world. I will look for love and cannot see it. Right now, I don't feel much of anything towards anything except sadness and bleakness. And I don't know what to do with it.

Part of me wants to talk to B (my new ex) but I know that it isn't going to help. I want him to say it'll be all better and to baby me. But it's not his job - he dumped me, right? Even if it wasn't me, even if he still wants to be friends, I'm still not worth it to ask to be taken care of.

The other part of me just wants to cry some more. But I can't. I've had a headache on and off for two weeks. That's not good. Perhaps it was my massage last week, but I think it's my face tensing up and locked because I won't cry anymore. I want to. I want it out.

I am sick of my constructed subjectivity. Sadly, it requires time to change it.

I'm sitting in bed, thinking about what to do. I want to email B. I want to talk to strangers who might give me the love I crazy but don't think I deserve. I want to pass out and not have to do anything tomorrow. I would like to feel happy again, but it hurts so bad right now. Everything is a pain. Even waking up takes all my might to decide that, yes, I want to see what the day will bring. Moreso, I want to be able to talk about this with someone. To cry and be held and feel safe and loved again. But I don't know if I'm ready for it.

Processing?

Why can I not find the words? The tears? Anything? I feel so lost right now. My tenuous hold on things is looser than normal and it is taking all my strength to stay together. And for what? Some half-hearted notion that people should carry on? I'm not being melodramatic, I'm just critical. What makes a normal life? Why should we assume humans should survive? Who wants to fit into biology's ideological system thought up by Darwin? Really - it's just another ideology. Haven't we done away with those? Dismantle them in some kind of deconstructionist fantasy where life has no meaning yet we still want to survive. Because that's the main point - without meaning, is there a reason or go on? No.

I try so hard to dismantle meaning so that I'm not caught in an ideology. The only one I feel like giving in to is love because the other person will add the element of the outside world to the growth and development. But I fail at that miserably. Horridly.

I am apparently not prepared to process things. I am too tired and too stressed, yet cannot get either out of my body. I don't really know what to do, other than nothing and hope I fade out of existence. Bah. These symbols contain no meaning - why bother writing them? Why bother with anything?